Pilot episode/Transcript
Scene 1: P.S. 118 Playground (Arnold is floating in space while the camera pans down to Earth.) ;Helga: (echoing) Arnold! Arnold! Arnold, Arnold, Arnold! Hey Arnold! ;Arnold: Huh?!? ;Helga: Move it, Football Head, you're up! ;Arnold: (to Gerald and Sheena) OK, I'm gonna shoot for the gap between second and third. ;Gerald: Just try not to get hit, OK? ;Arnold: Yeah, good strategy. ;Helga: OK, move in, move in! This guy can't hit! No stick, no stick! ;Harold: Ooh, look who's up. It's Arnold. ;Gerald: C'mon, Arnold, pace it! ;Harold: Thought you can't complain about baseball, huh, Arnold? ;Helga: (spitting) Just throw the ball, Blimpo. ;Harold: Hey, don't call me Blimpo! I have a plan problem. (Harold throws the ball but Arnold misses the first hit.) ;Helga: Strike one! ;Harold: Boy, what a good swing, Arnold. Everybody is scared of your big powerful arms. ;Helga: (throwing the ball back to Harold) C'mon, c'mon! ;Harold: (catching the ball) Alright already, keep your shirt on, Helga! (Harold throws the ball the second time but Arnold misses the second hit.) ;Helga: (throwing the ball back to Harold) Strike two! ;Harold: (catching the ball) Ooh, good one! Who taught you to bat, anyway? Your looney Grandma? ;Arnold: (spits his hand) Just throw it. (Harold throws the ball the third time and Arnold hits it but the ball hits Harold.) ;Iggy: Say something, man! ;Harold: G'night, mommy. (Helga takes off her umpire helmet and hits Harold's hit.) ;Harold: Huh, w-what happened?!? ;Helga: Arnold beaned ya. ;Harold: Who? ;Helga: Arnold! (points) ;Arnold: (nervously) Well uh, it was just a lucky swing. (throws his bat away) (Harold walks closer to Arnold.) ;Kids: Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! ;Helga: Wait, don't touch him! ;Kids: Ooh! ;Harold: Why not? ;Helga: (growls) Well um, uh, because he wants to wait a day, that's why. ;Harold: I do. ;Helga: You know, let him dangle a while. Make him thing about what he did. ;Harold: Make him think about what he did, yeah. OK, here's the deal. Tomorrow, Arnold, right here, it's clobbering time. ;Kids: Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! ;Harold: Hey, wait a minute! Tomorrow?!? What if he leaves town? ;Helga: Don't worry, he's not going anywhere. I'll keep an eye on him. (Arnold gulps.) Scene 2: The Street ; Arnold: (kicks a can) Well, Gerald, it's been knowing you. Just try to remember me as I am now, okay? Not as I will be tomorrow, you know, dead. ;Gerald: Aw c'mon, Arnold, you're not gonna get killed. That was great when you beaned him(Harold). You're a hero, man. ;Arnold: Ya think so? ;Gerald: Sure. Besides by tomorrow, there's not a kid in the city who'll remember this stupid fight. ;Helga: (on the bus) Hey Arnold, 23 hours till you die! (laughs) ;Gerald: Can I have your CD player? Scene 3: The Bus ;Helga: (laughs) Arnold, that moron how I hate him and yet... (holds up her Arnold locket) ...I love him. So mysterious, so swab, such as a sustainably shaped-little head. You'll ignore me but deep down, you know how I really feel. It's love, love, love! (Brainy wheezes at Helga on the bus but Helga hits him on the head.) Scene 4: The Sunset Arms ;Arnold : So you wanna come up and eat with us? ;Gerald : No thanks, I've had your Grandma's cooking and I'd rather be eaten chewed to death by rabbit weasels. ;Arnold : Yeah, I know what you mean. (thumbs up) We'll see you tomorrow. ;Gerald : OK. (Arnold opens the door while the animals run out.) ;Arnold : Grandma, Grandpa, I'm home. (Grandpa comes out of the bathroom.) Hey Grandpa, I got a problem. ;Grandpa : Shoot it at me, Shortman! ;Arnold : You see, there's a big jerk who says... ;Grandpa : ...Says he's gonna beat you up, eh? ;Arnold : Yeah. ;Grandpa : Gonna give you 24 hours to dangle, eh? ;Arnold : That's right. ;Grandpa : Wants to pound you flat and use your face for second base, eh? ;Arnold : Yeah, yeah, what should I do? ;Grandpa : I have no idea but there's one thing I do know, never eat raspberries. 'Cuse me a sec. (Grandpa enters the bathroom and Arnold climbs up the stairs.) ;Arnold : Grandma. ;Grandma : (swats a fly) Come on in, Kimba. ;Arnold : (laughs) No, Grandma, it's me, Arnold. ;Grandma : Oh, I know but right now, you'll be Kimba, (to the fly on the phone) he'll be the man-eating tiger (the fly hears her high-pitched voice) and I'll be Blonna. ;Arnold : Yeah, OK, Grandma, I mean, Blonna. Listen, I need some advice. ;Grandma : Certainly. (pops her finger) Always stay down end of your price, carry plenty of animo and eat everything you kill! (Grandma swats the phone but the fly flies away and the phone rings.) Hello? It's for you, my savage friend. ;Arnold : (sighs) Would you take a message? ;Grandma : (on the phone) I'm sorry, Kimba's not available right now. (writes down with her pencil) Uh-huh, uh-huh, 22 hours and 3 minutes till you... Now was that dry or fry dear? Oh, die. Yes, OK, under... Scene 5: Arnold's Room (Arnold turns on the stereo, the lights and couch with the remote control. He sits down on the couch and the phone rings but Arnold pulls the phone off.) ; Helga: (on the megaphone) Arnold, hey Arnold! 21 hours, 15 minutes and (looks at her watch) 16 seconds till you die! (Arnold closes the window.) Scene 5: Arnold's Room at Night ; Helga : (on the megaphone) 16 hours, 45 minutes and 39 seconds till you die! 16 hours, 45 minutes and 17 seconds till you die! (Arnold sleeps in bed with his pajamas.) ;Kids : Fight, fight, fight, fight! ;Harold : It's clobbering time. ;Grandpa : Pound you flat and use your face for second base. ;Harold : Your looney Grandma? ;Grandpa : Never eat raspberries. Scene 6: Arnold's Dream (Arnold runs on the roofs and Helga, Harold and Stinky run after him.) ;Helga : (laughs) Come on down, Arnold. We're gonna get you anyway. (Arnold is on top of the building and holds up a bat.) ;Arnold : Back, back, I say! ;Harold : Ooh, he's got a bat! What are you gonna do, Arnold? Swing it at us? ;Arnold : Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna swing it, I'm gonna swing it all day! (laughing and grunting) ;Helga : He's crazy! ;Harold : RUN! ;Arnold : Yeah, that's it! I'm CRAZY! (laughing) Scene 7: The Sunset Arms ;Radio D.J.: It's 7 o'clock on K-I-L-L. This one goes out to Arnold who's going to die in 2 hours, 6 minutes and 37 seconds from Helga who hates you. (Arnold takes out his boombox and leaves the boarding house while the animals enter. A dog holds up a newspaper and Arnold looks at it and it says "Arnold to Die Today". Arnold throws the newspaper away and walks with Gerald.) Scene 8: The Street ;Harold: Well, where is he? ;Helga: Don't worry, he'll be here. New morning line, Arnold goes down in 6 seconds! Any takers? ;Iggy: I'm in, man. ;Stinky: There he is! ;Harold: So Arnold, you decided to show up. Now why don't you make it easy on yourself and hold still while I pound your football head of yours flat? ;Arnold: Before you do, there's something you should know, Harold. ;Harold: What? ;Arnold: I'm crazy and you should never hit a crazy person. ;Harold: Ooh, Arnold's crazy! (Iggy, Joey, Stinky and Curly laugh.) If you're so crazy, prove it! ;Arnold: OK. (turns on the boombox) 1, 2, 3, grunt Watch me! Hey! Watch me! Hey Now you think you got to put me down Now you think you got to push me all around But wait, don't hit me! I'll hit me! To the brim! Hey, alright Gotcha, gotcha, c'mon Got to feel it, huh, in your body Baby, man, hey! I got a date I got to, got to, break a plate Don't hit me, I'll hit me! I'm crazy! YEAAAAAAH! (turns off the boombox) ;Harold: Wow, you really are crazy. Wanna join our club? (The kids cheer.) ;Iggy: Yeah, yeah, Arnold's crazy! He's wacko! ;Sheena: He could be our president. ;Iggy: Cool. ;Helga: He did it, he really did it. (Brainy wheezes at Helga with a bandage on his nose but Helga hits him.) Hey, wait a minute, no fair! What about the fight? I sold tickets. There's gotta be a fight. ;Harold: Hmm, OK. (to Iggy and Joey) You two guys fight. ;Joey: Oh. ;Iggy: OK. (Iggy and Joey fight together. The kids cheer and picks up Arnold while leaving. Gerald winks at Helga.) ;Helga: Boys are so stupid. Category:Pilot episode Category:Episode transcripts